"What you really need," Randi Tonoff says, "is a calabash."

Randi has come to my new home for a Feng Shui consultation. Randi is a certified Feng Shui consultant; she has been fenging the shui for six years. Randi practices Black Hat Feng Shui, which is more practical and less hocus pocus than the name implies.

There are different schools of Feng Shui, but the basic practice dates back 5,000 years, give or take a year. Feng Shui is Chinese in origin and literally means "wind and water." According to Randi's web site, Feng Shui is comprised of astronomy, geography, magnetic fields, environmental forces and physics.

I am expecting Randi to broomstick her way to my condo, or suddenly materialize in my living room. But, she knocks on the door like other mortals. At first, I'm not sure that she is who she says she is, because she looks so normal. Randi is a petite woman with coifed auburn hair, tasteful jewelry and a Hillary-esque pants suit. She looks like someone you would see in the chair next to you at Rizzieri. Randi doesn't wear crystals, speak in tongues or carry a wand.

What she does have is a professional looking dossier on my condo. In advance of our consultation, I have given Randi my profile information, including birth dates, a floor plan, compass readings and a brief history of the dwelling. Randi has charts and a diagram and other papers. But, she says the most important thing is invisible. It's the chi.

"Chi is the universal life force that moves through all objects, living and inanimate," Randi says. "It moves in different directions. When chi moves in a straight line, it is called a piercing arrow. That's not good. The best kind of chi comes in waves of S-shaped energy. The purpose of Feng Shui is to let the chi flow through the house in waves. If it is not, I recommend cures to rectify the situation. That's why you need a certified practitioner. We read the chi."

Along with the chi, Randi analyzes the home's fortunate sectors. She does this using a diagram and the compass reading from the front door. This "fortunate corners" aspect of Feng Shui is familiar in its Americanized form. "Some people think they know their romance, health and wealth corners," Randi says. "They put objects in those places and expect them to work. But, you need to diagram the whole house according to the Feng Shui principles. You can't just put things willy-nilly all over the house. You might actually do some harm."

After explaining the basics of Feng Shui, Randi begins to work her mojo in my bedroom. "Have you had headaches since you moved here?" she asks me, and I moan affirmatively. Randi points to the beam over my bed. "Beams over beds are a no no," she says. Randi advises me on where my bed should be situated and I move my bed that night. I've been headache free ever since.

As Randi peruses the rest of my palace, I get a little nervous. What else will she find? "Light bulbs need to be replaced immediately," Randi says, looking askance at my ceiling fan, which is missing three of its four bulbs. I explain that I can't find the correct bulbs for the custom fan, and Randi interrupts to give me the name of an electric store. "Get the bulbs replaced right away," she says and I promise to do so. There is something of a Jewish mother in Randi's manner. I find myself not only agreeing to do everything she says, but apologizing for not having already done it.

I follow Randi into the living room. The previous owner left a gauche chandelier and Randi recommends it be replaced with recessed lighting. "That will raise the chi," she says.

The living room also has a working fireplace. "Three green plants on the mantle over the fireplace," Randi says. "Green balances red, and earth or plant symbols balance the fire aspect. Round leafed plants are best."

Randi continues through the house, recommending mirrors, a chiming brass clock, a water fountain, bamboo flutes and other cures. This is all well and good, I say to myself, but I will never find the time to do all of this chi engineering. That's when Randi says, "What you really need is a calabash."

A what? "Order it from this man in Mississippi," Randi says, handing me a piece of paper. A calabash is a golden yellow gourd, shaped like the spire of a Russian Orthodox church. I'm supposed to put this thing in my living room? "You can hide it behind a plant," Randi says. "I have three calabash in my home." This is when it occurs to me that Randi might be Fruit Loops disguised as Raisin Bran. We sit down to discuss Randi's background and her path to Feng Shui.

"I was a designer at a local furniture store," Randi said. "One night, I was watching Dateline NBC and saw a segment on Feng Shui. It intrigued me, because I understood the principles from an interior decorating perspective. So, I looked for classes on Feng Shui and eventually found my way to Melanie Lewandowski, my teacher. I studied with Melanie for three years. Now, I do Feng Shui consulting and interior designing."

Randi has worked with a few hundred people in South, Central and North Jersey. She says South Jersey has not been entirely open to her practice. "People in Haddonfield and Moorestown are much more open to Feng Shui than people in Cherry Hill and Woodcrest. Haddonfield is more relaxed and accessible. Cherry Hill is more concerned with exterior influences."

Hey, isn't that chi profiling? There are some granola types living in Cherry Hill and there are some uptight folks in Haddonfield. Turns out, Randi's not talking about the people who live in these towns. She's talking about the town itself. The chi within the homes in those towns.

"Houses hold the energy of their previous owners," Randi said. "So, the older the house, the more owners its had, the more residual energy is there. Haddonfield is a very old neighborhood. A lot of the homes have been around for generations.Those homes have a lot of chi and its easy for me to see it. Whereas, in Cherry Hill, the homes are newer so the energy is newer and more difficult to discern. Mt. Laurel is a whole different thing. The houses are new, like in Cherry Hill, but they have different energy. "A house's chi is more important than the chi of the house's inhabitants. I fix the house's chi flow and fit the inhabitants into that flow. Sometimes, the effect of the cures will be instantaneous. Sometimes, it takes a few weeks. I always follow up with my clients to see how they have implemented my suggestions and what changes they have seen or felt. Often times, the client can't articulate the change. The client will say, `Coincidentally, this or that happened after you worked with us.' They think it's a coincidence. I know it's the chi."

Randi Tonoff, Feng Shui practitioner
609-707-2531
randi@rtfengshui.com
www.rtfengshui.com